so we went to Sabor Lounge last night, and "had dinner" and kicked it with Slim from 112 last night. "had dinner" meaning Nikol and I had dinner, and so did a bunch of other people, and Slim came through 2 hours late. Always thought dude was like 6 ft 5 or something but hes not, hes only like 5ft 9. Pretty laid back dude, but then again, if you made millions of dollars, and had 3247839757432587435843 hoochie mommas tryina holler at you, wantin to take pics, youd be a chill ass dude too.
Nikol and I just kinda stood back and watched the girls lining up to take a picture with dude, when he got there, herds of them ran to the bathroom to fix their hair and makeup, like they were about to film The Bachelor: Season 112 or something. It was then that I noticed... Man, some females must not own mirrors at home. Ladies, aint nothing wrong with being full figured, bootylicious, well rounded, etc... but if youre a size 12, dont try to squeeze into a size 6. and dont wear a "petite" top if you really fit in an XL, it looks like youre wearing a package of hot dogs. Im sure you dont find it too attractive when a dude with major chest hair, with a beer belly hanging over belt, is rocking a tight V Neck Affliction shirt showing off his 6 pack... of bagels. Society has been very considerate and blessed you with a store called "Torrid" just for you and your festively-plump self... just like how society has blessed me with Ranch 99 aka 99 Ranch Supermarket. Sure, I may not enjoy shopping there, but I get in where I fit in, and you should do the same.
so GET IN some clothing, that you FIT IN. cuz i aint really tryin to see your pancake titties poppin out the bottom of your tube top.
oh and the irony... a buncha Bee-Eye-Gee girls flocking around, wearing clothes too tight and small for them, to see an artist named "Slim," who wears clothes too baggy and big for him.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
so I got beat up last night....
yeah, so i got my ass handed to me last night, and I'm still hurtin today. some fellow named Jack Daniels straight fucked me up. I tried to tell him I didnt want any trouble, but he didnt give two shits. On another note, it's Friday, and I finally have a Saturday off, something tells me I'll be running into this fellow named Jack again this evening.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
the weather is appropriate...
Jamal Crawford made a layup off a steal and put the Warriors up with 1.6 seconds left. The Thunder, predictably, called a timeout... As we stood in the stands, amongst thousands of other Warrior fans, yelling and screaming with excitement, I felt something funny in my gut. We had some Vietnamese food before the game, and I pooped right after we ate, then again when we got to Oracle Arena... so I just figured it was the boneless BBQ chicken with all that cock sauce (aka Sriracha hot sauce) that was making my stomach feel all funkdafied, and shrugged it off. But little did I know...
The ref blew the whistle, signaling not only the end of the timeout, but that something more prophetic was about to take place. Apparently, Jeff Green not only plays basketball, but also he also practices divination. This motherfucker hit a turnaround jumper from the elbow of the key... and banked it off the glass to win the game by 1. That shot went up, and I thought there was no way that shit was going in, it was either gonna airball or clank off the back of the rim... OH NO.. it sure somehow found its way through the net. It went up in the air, looking super retarded, but astonishingly bounced off the glass doing its best Stuart impression, as if to say "Look what I can do!," and made a miracle happen. bullshit.
so yes, that funky feeling in my stomach during the timeout... was not because I had to poop for the 3rd time in 2 hours... but it was because God had sent a messenger in the form of an Oklahoma City basketball player wearing # 22, his message:
"OMG Tom, the Warriors might actually win this one..... SSSSIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!"
good one, God. joke's on me. then we went outside and it was pouring... and we had to walk to BART to take the train home. nothing like walking half a mile in the rain after a Warrior's loss..
oh wait, yes there is. I stepped in a huge puddle and my socks were wet the whole BART ride home. whoopie.
this morning, I woke up with with a huge zit-like formation on my chin. I got out of the shower, and the shit was pussy.. as in filled with puss.. not a vagina reference, you perverts. it since has decided to swell up. the advice nurse from Kaiser recommended I come in to get it checked out in case its a bite or possibly, a staph infection. freakin sweet... I really need to stop washing my face with the sweat from camel balls.
I hope Wal Mart did a roll back on Jack Links Sweet & Hot beef jerky this week, because I feel like Whitney Houston on a bad day in need of some crack to uplift her spirits.
5 o'clock update: Dr. said there's nothing to worry about, but he swabbed the infestation and sent it down to the lab anyway. he also recommended that i use an antibacterial soap, he think "maybe" i cut myself shaving and the pore got infected. first of all, i never shave my chin, i only trim it... second of all, im not sure if thats exactly what he said because his head was in his ass, and he was talking out of it. so my options are this point are:
a) find a new soap; preferably antibacterial
b) find a new Dr.; preferably one who knows definites, not "possibilities"
c) deal with it, and take couple shots of jack next time
all of the above doesn't sound so bad either. but im thinkin a) and b) can wait...c) however, is a urgent matter that requires immediate attention.
The ref blew the whistle, signaling not only the end of the timeout, but that something more prophetic was about to take place. Apparently, Jeff Green not only plays basketball, but also he also practices divination. This motherfucker hit a turnaround jumper from the elbow of the key... and banked it off the glass to win the game by 1. That shot went up, and I thought there was no way that shit was going in, it was either gonna airball or clank off the back of the rim... OH NO.. it sure somehow found its way through the net. It went up in the air, looking super retarded, but astonishingly bounced off the glass doing its best Stuart impression, as if to say "Look what I can do!," and made a miracle happen. bullshit.
so yes, that funky feeling in my stomach during the timeout... was not because I had to poop for the 3rd time in 2 hours... but it was because God had sent a messenger in the form of an Oklahoma City basketball player wearing # 22, his message:
"OMG Tom, the Warriors might actually win this one..... SSSSIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!"
good one, God. joke's on me. then we went outside and it was pouring... and we had to walk to BART to take the train home. nothing like walking half a mile in the rain after a Warrior's loss..
oh wait, yes there is. I stepped in a huge puddle and my socks were wet the whole BART ride home. whoopie.
this morning, I woke up with with a huge zit-like formation on my chin. I got out of the shower, and the shit was pussy.. as in filled with puss.. not a vagina reference, you perverts. it since has decided to swell up. the advice nurse from Kaiser recommended I come in to get it checked out in case its a bite or possibly, a staph infection. freakin sweet... I really need to stop washing my face with the sweat from camel balls.
I hope Wal Mart did a roll back on Jack Links Sweet & Hot beef jerky this week, because I feel like Whitney Houston on a bad day in need of some crack to uplift her spirits.
5 o'clock update: Dr. said there's nothing to worry about, but he swabbed the infestation and sent it down to the lab anyway. he also recommended that i use an antibacterial soap, he think "maybe" i cut myself shaving and the pore got infected. first of all, i never shave my chin, i only trim it... second of all, im not sure if thats exactly what he said because his head was in his ass, and he was talking out of it. so my options are this point are:
a) find a new soap; preferably antibacterial
b) find a new Dr.; preferably one who knows definites, not "possibilities"
c) deal with it, and take couple shots of jack next time
all of the above doesn't sound so bad either. but im thinkin a) and b) can wait...c) however, is a urgent matter that requires immediate attention.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Take Your Shoes Off...
Whuddup hoodrats and hoochies mamas, and WELCOME! You've suggested it, recommended it, asked for it... and now you have it. A few requests and about a dozen sexual favors later, I'm proud to present to all of you.. my blogspot. I will be posting just about anything and everything on here, my thoughts, my actions, my daily life experiences, good music, movie reviews, video chronicles of my crazy adventures, photos, etc. think...
Yelp! + Photobucket + IMDB.com + livejournal + youtube = auxymoron.blogspot.com
I will try my best to update this as often as possible, but no guarantees. Between standing in the unemployment line, snorting crack from butts, and seeking treatment for my profound unintelligent intelligence, I might get caught up in the mix and go into a series of brief hiatuses, so I apologize in advance for the times you'll miss me. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Please read the following disclaimer before continuing any further.
DISCLAIMER: by proceeding to read the content on auxymoron.blogspot.com, I hereby agree to forfeit any rights I have to think as an individual. The author of this blogspot is a freakin genius, and I promise to give him my full commitment in aiding him to take over the world, whether it be on Xbox 360 or in real life. Although I may not agree with most of what he discusses in his posts, and find him totally vulgar, offensive, explicit, and sometimes very ignorant... I do agree that he is my favorite asian, and that unicorns, the Tooth Fairy, and leprechauns who grant three wishes do, indeed, exist. However, if I go searching for little people painted green, and trap them in jars, I understand it was a result of my twisted fantasies, and agree not to hold the author of auxymoron.blogspot.com or the website itself, responsible for the psychiatric help I never recieved as an adolescent. By scrolling down, I understand I am admitting that all statements above are true.
Take it sleazy and happy reading! Come again soon. HAI! *bows*
EDRUHCATE YOURSELF:
OXYMORON vs AUXYMORON
OXYMORON: A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.
AUX (also, auxiliary): giving support; serving as an aid; helpful.
MORON (also, you): a person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment.
AUXYMORON: me.
Yelp! + Photobucket + IMDB.com + livejournal + youtube = auxymoron.blogspot.com
I will try my best to update this as often as possible, but no guarantees. Between standing in the unemployment line, snorting crack from butts, and seeking treatment for my profound unintelligent intelligence, I might get caught up in the mix and go into a series of brief hiatuses, so I apologize in advance for the times you'll miss me. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Please read the following disclaimer before continuing any further.
DISCLAIMER: by proceeding to read the content on auxymoron.blogspot.com, I hereby agree to forfeit any rights I have to think as an individual. The author of this blogspot is a freakin genius, and I promise to give him my full commitment in aiding him to take over the world, whether it be on Xbox 360 or in real life. Although I may not agree with most of what he discusses in his posts, and find him totally vulgar, offensive, explicit, and sometimes very ignorant... I do agree that he is my favorite asian, and that unicorns, the Tooth Fairy, and leprechauns who grant three wishes do, indeed, exist. However, if I go searching for little people painted green, and trap them in jars, I understand it was a result of my twisted fantasies, and agree not to hold the author of auxymoron.blogspot.com or the website itself, responsible for the psychiatric help I never recieved as an adolescent. By scrolling down, I understand I am admitting that all statements above are true.
Take it sleazy and happy reading! Come again soon. HAI! *bows*
EDRUHCATE YOURSELF:
OXYMORON vs AUXYMORON
OXYMORON: A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.
AUX (also, auxiliary): giving support; serving as an aid; helpful.
MORON (also, you): a person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment.
AUXYMORON: me.
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