the realest shit I've ever wrote..

I did something fucked up today. Sometimes, our reactions cause us to make very impulsive, irrational decisions, whether they be out of anger, frustration, pain, etc. After having some time to think about it, you realize that when someone causes you to react in a way that you normally wouldnt react because of the things they said or did, then you really need to take a step back and distance yourself from the situation. I know I'm not a fucked up person, and doing what I did doesnt make me feel any better, actually makes me feel worse. If someone keeps throwing grenades at you, and you keep catching them, you're eventually going to blow up. I just caught got up in the heat of the moment, which is no excuse. Reacting the way I did just because she went straight for my heart, doesnt make my actions justified. You should never stoop to someone else's level.

Right now, and since October 23rd, I've been going through a vicious cycle of emotions and feelings. Shit aint easy when the person you loved for four years takes a good look at you, evaluated your relationship together, and decided "no, thanks. Ill try my luck elsewhere." and even though some might think I'm wasting my time and my tears on someone who viewed me as so disposable, getting over it is a lot easier said than done. She broke up with me and has moved on with her life, while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of things... it's all going to take some time.

those of you who know me, and know her, know how passionate, dedicated, respectful, and committed I was towards her and our relationship... so I hope you can understand if it takes me awhile to pull myself out of this hell hole. I don't like to ask for help, and I know some of you want to help and are trying to get me through this tough time, but aren't sure how. So Ill say this and I hope it is of some assistance.

I dont have hate in my heart.... except for celery. I dont want to hate her, as I know thats not going to help. If I wanted to, then Im sure I already have enough reasons to do so. I'm tired of hearing about her. I don't want to know what, when, and where any of you might have seen her with her new dude. I don't want to know if she was at the bar you were at. I don't want to know about her events, gigs, shoots, etc. I dont want to know any of this. I know some of you are just trying to help, trying to make me realize that shes moved on, shes actively dating, whatever whatever... and that by telling me these things, it will help me heal and move on quicker, but its making stuff worse for me. Some of you keep pointing out the things that werent working in our relationship, and that's not helping either. sucks being reminded of something you failed at. Especially sucks when you love a person so much,
and everyone around you can see it, except for that person.

The only time I want to know where shes at and if youve seen her, is if Im supposed to come meet up with you and she happens to be there also, then I'd appreciate it if we could change plans and meet up elsewhere. We were together for four years, so we have a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances.

I apologize to any of you who have felt like youre being put in the middle of this, or that you have had to pick sides, that is not something I would ever ask of you or expect from you. I also hope you havent picked sides because there's two sides to every story, and you shouldnt make judgements if you havent heard both. I don't have any problems with any of you remaining friends with her, I would just rather not hear about it, and I hope yall can understand that. I'm not expecting anybody to delete her as your Facebook friend... this isnt high school. Its difficult seeing her posts on Facebook to mutual friends of ours, but its my issue and I need to deal with it or just stay off FB.

So if you wanna help, then its quite easy. Hit me up, lets go do something. I moved to Oakland to start over. I'm tired of the "scene" Ive gotten so used to. Life has a lot more to offer than drunken black outs every week at the bar. Lets walk Lake Merritt, hit some art shows, museums, music shows, good new restaurants, play some basketball,explore some sweet architecture and take some pics, etc. Y'all know I love to live life, and how I like to take advantage of every opportunity it has to offer, so lets do this!

I appreciate all of you who have given an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh to cheer me up. I'm sorry if all I've talked about is her, I know it must get annoying and that I sound like a broken record, but I'm aware of it and am trying to keep our conversations away from that topic. I'm blessed and so thankful also for all of you who have taken the time to reach out to me, checked up on me, etc to see how I'm doing. Some of you have said some things that have been really helpful, and please know that I take all your feedback and opinions seriously.

To my sister, my lifers: Daniel, Cris, Regi, The Putos, DP, Clint, Becca and V... thank you for everything. This wasnt my first hard breakup, and am hoping it's my last, but y'all have always been there for me and I'm truly thankful and grateful, each and every day. Thank you for always making yourselves available when I've needed yall to be there most.

To those I've been cool with but never really kicked it with or talked to often, Rodney, Mike B, Tyrone, etc. Thanks for reaching out me and offering your advice. In times like these, you realize who your true friends are, and I'm fortunate that I've discovered three more.

To the Santa Rosa crew, Symon, Big D, G Money, A be Tarin It Up, PizzaDina, Ayrjia, Randy, Des, Jax and Lori, Paul etc... I love yall, yall are my release from this crazy Bay Area bullshit. Always fun times, never a dull moment.

To everyone else, who sent a text, email, phone call, etc.... thank you for taking the time to do so. I appreciate you all keeping me in your thoughts and even the littlest things youve said or done have had a huge impact. If I forgot anybody, please dont take it personally.

one of you said this to me: "you deserve someone whos going to appreciate your humor, style, and kindness, as well as your stressed times when you feel like being in the dirt"

and he's right. so lets take over the world, not only do I, but WE deserve this shit!
I love you all.

Thuan.