Justin Bieber... although I dont have "the Fever" I can understand why some of you do. Dude is talented for his age. He's like a young, white Chris Brown, with nasal congestion and a sweet ass sweet lesbian comb-over. Usher's best friend should not be 17, and he should not share with the world that he"discovered" him at 13... R Kelly is getting ready to pass the torch to Usher. And WTF was up with Jaden Smith? Leopard print tights? His father was a fashion icon, with his overall shorts with one strap down, and that crazy semi Kid N' Play flat top. Chriminey, he was THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR... and Jaden performs at the Grammy's dressed like Hannah Montana?!?!? Holy shicaca.
John Legend: Since I just touched on Jaden, I had to bring up John Legend. Is it me or does dude look more like Will Smith's son than Will Smith's own son, Jaden, does? I'm just saying.
Jewel: And since I brought up John Legend, let's talk about his co-presenter Jewel. Man, she's cute, even with that gap in her teeth. Bet she whistles while she works.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Speaking of cute blondes... holler. She was walking mighty awkward in those heels kinda like a flamingo in rollerblades, but damn... girl can blow. Would have enjoyed her performance more if she would have said the F word, and I don't mean "forget"
Cee-Lo: dressed like a fat, black Elton John with a chicken suit on. I don't care what anybody else says, he is one brave mofo. Especially since he sat down with a piano and didn't even pretend like he was playing it. I want that chicken suit for Halloween btw...
Barbara Streisand: Why? What? How? Why was she at the Grammys? What the eff was she doing? How is she still alive? She started off her performance in an Ariel (Little Mermaid)-like yodel... WTF was that? And why the hell do I always get her and Suzanne Somers confused?
Nicki Minaj: stop trying to be the black Lady Gaga. And how many Trojan Triphoria massagers did she get for Christmas because instead of her hair being blown back, it was blown straight the eff up! I respect her as an artist... SOMETIMES, but she should stop talking because she sounds like the Bride of Chucky and it's terribly annoying.
P Diddy: Dude is worth millions, WTF have has he done to himself? He looks like Chris Rock in CB4. Just because his teeth are so big that he can't close his mouth, doesn't mean he should go put diamonds on them. Go back to the days he was doing something with himself like skipping around in the rain, saying "take that, take that."
Eminem: Effing dope. Mad respect. He treats every performance as if it were his first. His intensity and stage presence is one of a kind. And what? A hip hop artist actually utilizing a belt, and not just wearing one to show off the bling-bling belt buckle? Mad thanks to him for not having his pants around his knees, I hope everyone catches on that sagging is so 1995.
Mick Jagger: Ageless. Still looks the same and is still an effing rockstar. I wish he would've brought Jimmy Fallon out so they could've done some "pointin fingas"
Janelle Monae: Amazing as always. Saw her live in SF once and it was off the chain. She's got such a huge presence for such a tiny body.
Bruno Mars: My mother effer. Dope performance, even with the MJ spin. Him and Janelle Monae should do a duet... or have babies, even if it's by accident, I'd adopt them... and probably put them on Star Search. Holler.
Rihanna: Man, that girl's got a five-head with some long ass legs. Her dad has got to be Jeffrey the Giraffe? And what the eff was up with the outfit for What's My Name? It looked like an inspirational piece between Wonder Woman and Pocahontas? Oh na-na, Wonder-Hontas. And really?!?! She couldn't take Jay Z from Beyonce so she settled for Beyonce's choreographer? That was totally a Beyonce routine except without all the pelvic thrusting. If you like it then you better put a ring on it...
Will.I.Am... Gay. he should just come out, it's obvious. Theriouthly.
Lady Gaga: I could write an entire post about her but let's just focus on tonight. First of all, sunglasses during the speech? Who is she, Lil Jon? And how was she not sweating with the crazy ass leather get up? Then she goes and says when she wrote her song she was insecure with herself so she imagined Whitney Houston singing it? Is she THAT out of her mind that of all the talented vocalists, she wanted a crack head to sing her song? And WTF was the buttcheek add-on all about? Was she subliminally promoting special edition leather Booty Pop's?
J Lo and Marc Anthony: The only thing weirder than seeing that the two of them are still together would be seeing J Lo still with P Diddy. Marc Anthony needs to get off whatever he was on... coke, meth, Tapatio, etc. J Lo needs to stop getting older and manlier. I thought Marc married Jennifer Lopez, not George Lopez.
Esperanza Spalding: Who the eff is she, and how did she manage to beat Drake, J Beebs, Florence and The Machine, and Mumford & Sons for best new artist. All I know is 80% of the nation had Bieber Fever, and Drake was on 80% of the songs on the radio, and somehow some artist I have never heard of won the Grammy. Como what? And why the hell was the Asian friend that was sitting next to her crying? Stop it. Stop being a typical crazy, emotional Asian woman. (just kidding, love you Mom and Sis.)
Lady Antebellum: Record of The Year? Really?!?! Talk about White Power at it's finest, they should't have won that Grammy. If I was a dude in a band called Lady Antebellum.... you know what, I'll just leave it at that.
Arcade Fire: I understand that the unemployment rate is at an all time high right now, but did they seriously employ three/four band members for no reason? Do they really need two drummers to play the same beat? A violonist who plays part time, and is slapping her thigh the rest of the time? A guitarist you can't even hear most of the time? Shiz, if they're feeling so generous, they should hire me to me an armpit fart machine. And the first song they performed made me feel like I was being chased in a nightmare... a very Requiem For A Dream-ish nightmare.
Target: I don't remember Target ever advertising in something other than the Sunday paper. I saw more Target ads during the Grammys than I have rehab center commercials during Intervention on A&E. Target is a huge asshole, like their logo, except it's red. Like they really need to have commercials. I mean hell, I find myself going therefor no reason at all, and even if it's for a reason like toilet paper, I end up leaving with a bunch of shiz I don't even need. Target is the new Marlboro. And based on their commercial, when the hell did Target start selling wigs?
Chevy Cruze: Really?!?! A vehicle you can update your Facebook status with by voice command? What's next? A porta-pottie under the driver's seat?
Volkswagen: That Darth Vader commercial was so hilarious. If I had a child, I'd probably buy a Passat if it came with the Darth Vader costume, just so my son could do that.
NEA: "wee wee raise"
Grammy's 2012... I hope you give me something to watch and enjoy instead of something to watch and blog about.
